The Lines of My Earth...

Lavender

This has been week two of toughness, of seeing my attempts at good deeds go rather punished. Wow. Stepping back it's so fascinating to watch the very different angles and reasons we all come at things. I have had to face myself very squarely and see just how much I still want gold stars and kudos from my efforts and it's a trait I'd really like to let go of. I want to learn to move forward looking more for my rewards from within.

Everything is a process. There is no arrival. We hear this and think, "oh yes, I get it." But it's hard to own, hard not to keep looking towards a brighter future when we've accomplished "x" and then "x" and "x" which will finally make us feel accepted, real, fully adult, whatever.

But in reality you accomplish something that you thought would be the end all be all and it's usually it's just not. It's just a moment, often one you don't remember to celebrate because you're too busy to remember that it was so important, or as in my case these past two weeks, others are so disappointed with a particular aspect that it really ruins the fun and pride.

So yes, time to focus less on kudos possible from within and focus instead on those from within, and of course, my own private project - the book.

I am struggling through a revamp of my 3rd and 4th chapters of the novel and I think I need to strop struggling and let them be where they are right now. Inspiration comes to be slowly, unfolding in dreams and walks and conversations and internet searches. And that's okay. I love writing. I do. Sure it gets lonely and boring sitting here staring at the screen, and I find a myriad of ways to distract myself, but still I love it. I like to see what I've put on the page, and then I like to go back later and check if I still like it.

And amazingly sometimes I do. Now if my lines of writing could feel to me as beautiful as the above rows of lavender, or one of my very favorite songs called, "The Lines of My Earth" by Matthew Preston Slocum of "Six Pence None the Richer" I'd be pleased indeed.