4 posts tagged “melissa balmer”

I am on a journey to write a book, my very first book. I have been published in portions of another book, in print and online, but I have never completed and published my own book. And it's one of those things in life I really really want to accomplish, just for me. Oh sure, I'd love it to be a best seller. I'd love to finish the first book and have the publisher like it so much I receive an advance for the second one. That is the dream. So that I could go off to Europe and do deeper research on someplace other than the Internet.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Right now I'm on the journey of daily writing the book. Of daily thinking about the book. Of daily wondering about the book. And it's quite a journey, one that I'm only a quarter of the way or so into.

I have had a big struggle from adolescence onward to really show up for myself, to follow my own bliss, my own creative drum. I so love the collaborative process that instead I would usually jump on someone else's creative process in order to be included, in order to participate, feeling that I could earn my way in to being worthy by hard work and good feedback. This would be my trick with romantic relationships as well. And I'm sure you've already guessed, it didn't work out so well.

Oh yes, I did end up enjoying the creative collaborative process quite a bit, but it wasn't truly mine - so I had to constantly fight for the space to have a say, and frankly, I often pushed those who simply weren't ready to go where I knew they could go. Because I had the vision, because I knew how to get there. And in the end, though much good was done, it always ended badly. Because it wasn't really mine, and I knew that in my gut.

It's not that I haven't had my own creative projects all along, but my dedication to following my own creative drummer waxed and waned. I was not consistent. I kept thinking someone else's project was so much more legit than mine, so much more important, so in need of supporting first. I couldn't follow my own dreams first because I felt I hadn't been given a permission slip from God. That's my phrase for it that I've used for a long time.

But God doesn't send down a white photo copied form that you remember from school, he/she sends the yearning, the longing, the ideas, and when you pick up the pen and begin the journey support comes. Now I have thrown down the gauntlet to myself, the challenge - do your own thing, write your own book. Give it a total go, see what you can do.

And a fascinating thing happened, something that blew a big hole in the wall of my fear and resistance - two friends from my past have shown up and are showing support. One is my best friend from grammar school and she found me via the Internet about a year and a half ago, the other is my best friend from High School who found me via facebook about a month ago. Both have always supported the idea of me as a writer - and both love the genre I'm writing in - young adult fantasy (focused on girls).

Much of the book is plotted out, I'm now working on second drafts of the first six chapters (1 & 2 are done). It's moving, it's going, but it's still a challenging journey. There is a hole in the wall, but now I can see just how far I've got to go and it's daunting - like LOTR at the end, where it feels like Frodo and Sam will never get there. But they do. And now I just have to keep remembering that it will only happen one paragraph at a time, one page at a time, one chapter at a time and not get ahead of myself and full of worry that it won't be enough when I finally reach the end. The doing needs to be enough in itself.

I had absolutely nothing to complain about yesterday (except some tiny grumbling about the heat), I slept well, and yet from the moment I woke up this morning I knew I was just sort of well, off. I was filled with a sort of physical and emotional dread that overcomes me at times, a sensation close to that of when you're coming down with the flu, but not quite so physical.

At first I sat down at the computer and tried to get rid of the feeling by rushing into work, by distracting myself (know that one?), and then I stopped and decided I would move more slowly, and mindfully if I could and try and be curious. As soon as I did that I remembered that I had had to take more pain medication yesterday because of an early meeting, and the heat, and that I was on deadline for an article that I was working on with a client that I wanted to be really good because it's our first sort of this type of adventure together which was making me a bit nervous.

So I decided to be a little more kind with myself, and even more kind to my body. I ate. I stretched. I slowed down and worked on easier projects first.

At times during the day the feeling would really rear its head, to the point that I had to get up and walk around. One time it felt so strong I checked my bank account to see if I'd made some kind of horrible adding error. Nope. Then I found the beautiful photo above at my favorite stock photo site (while doing research for another client) and just posting it on my website in honor of earth day made me feel better.  Staring at it made me feel more calm and serene.

My client and I went back and forth on the article. We found a groove we both liked and were able to finish the piece. My brother really liked his birthday gift today of a little website I put together for his band, and I was able to chat briefly with a dear friend about the novel I'm working on. The feeling of dread hasn't totally left me, but I know it'll pass. Whenever I remember that feelings are waves instead of constant states I'm able to ride the rough ones out with a bit more serenity (a bit), and to just bask a bit longer in the happy ones, remembering that this too shall pass.

I listened to speakingoffaith.org today while working on my own website (finally!) and was struck by the open and mystical humanity of Abraham Heschel. I jotted down so many of his pithy phrases like:

"Every word has power. The meaning of life is to build a life as if it were a work of art."

Um, wow. What is there really to say after that?

I not only enjoy listening to the delightfully engaging and enlightening show every week, but I have also immensely enjoyed host Krista Tippet's new book "Speaking of Faith - Why Religion Matters and How to Talk About It."

So my dear friend Becky needs to clean out her closet and I need to clean out much of my studio apartment, after that watch out! We may take the world by storm with our gatherings on romance and sex, or we might just create a few little flurries here and there. Whatever happens I know we'll have great fun, and have many great discoveries. Of late I've been having many very funny and honest conversations here and there about romance and sex (after being on a bit of a hiatus about it for awhile) with friends and co-workers and it has been a great joy how blunt everyone has been about what they like, miss, yearn for etc. It's always so enlightening and assuring when both sexes get real.

Yesterday I spent much of the day in bed with a nasty migraine. I've done too much of late and let myself get out of whack and I just needed to reset. I prayed for some obvious guidance (really really obvious) in how to move forward right now with balancing my work-for-pay vs. the writing and workshops I want to do for myself and I dreamt of going into my bedroom and finding the bed covered with Deepak Chopra books.

This made me smile as I am the owner of several Deepak Chopra books, two of which are heavily dog eared and underlined and from which I've created many of my "intentions" that I keep in a special journal - all of which I haven't been good at looking at or affirming much at all of late. So yes universe I hear you. After finishing my other work today I finally figured out how to better lay out my own website and even updated a dating article I wrote two years ago and posted it - for all of those confused people who look me up as a dating expert.

Ever hit those times of hurry-up–and-wait where no matter what your intentions are you just can’t seem to get the longed for results?

I'm having difficulty writing an article I'm very excited to write, but the words just aren't flowing yet, and I really need them to do so by this evening.  I wrote to a couple of nice and attractive gentlemen on CL yesterday as a part of my vow to actually have a social life this year and apparently neither of them found me enticing enough to do the same in return (yes, even dating and romance advice writers have dry spells, it keeps us humble and compassionate).  Bummer.  One of them was very cute.  No one is calling me to set up the job interviews for more part time floral design work I really need (and were suppose to get back to me right after V-Day), and various people I'm waiting to hear from on various other subjects just don't seem to have me high on their priority list.

Yep, it must be incubation time.  And considering it's fat Tuesday, and going into Lent (right?) perhaps it's very appropriate.   

I’m sure you know what it’s like, you feel like you should be getting some reward for your good behavior, for paying off that bill, organizing that closet, sending that resume (or many), posting that online profile - some positive feedback, a little reward from the universe for your effort, but instead it feels like the three-steps-forward-two-back-dance, you're making progress, but not the way you want damn it.

Not only have the guys not written back, the brand new "exacto" knife I bought to cut up my new car registration tags with (after paying off several parking tickets) won't open.  And you HAVE to slice up the tag because otherwise someone will steal it the way they have three times previously.

But as with all incubation times if I'm willing to be honest (after a little emotional temper tantrum) there are still a myriad of things I need to take care of on my "to do" list, and this quiet time is perfect for that.  Yes, I've started to thoroughly clean my apartment with the idea of making it a delightful space and not just someplace I pile my junk and sleep, but the emphasis needs to be on started - it's very far from done.  And there are taxes to file, and a new website to create, and a book that needs outlining (as well as writing).

On a helpful note I finally got the firefox browser to completely load so I could post here at vox, which might mean I can actually create an account at ipod so I can use my gift certificate my sister gave me for christmas to buy new music.  And I found out my next door neighbor is into yoga and meditation as well as walking, which I am too (though it's been years since I've done any yoga, but I love the idea of it) so it will be nice to have someone to do those activities with so close by.

And last night when I was feeling my grumpiest about this slow time I googled my name and was greeted with the reality that I've written a hell of a lot of articles on dating and sex and people are posting them on their blogs.  In one case several people commented on how helpful the advice was, which made me feel very good.

But alas, I know I still need to finish organizing my apartment.